Love Letters
by SasuSaku Forever and Ever
Summary: CRACK. "Sakura, I know you so well because I've been watching you. Don't get freaked out or anything, I SWEAR I'm not stalking you. " In which Sasuke tries to confess his feelings towards Sakura through a letter. Three-shot.
1. Sakura

dedicated to: **my uber-awesome smexilicious bestie RAINE. (aka, xxEUPHORIC r e v e r i e)  
**prompt: **an HP fic...I forget the name though DDx**  
note to rhyrhy: **TEACH ME HOW TO WRITE, GOD DAMNIT. xDD ilys. x3  
**rating: **T+  
**story: **two-shot**

summary: In which Sasuke tries to confess his feelings towards Sakura through a letter.

warning: **ooc sasuke.**

* * *

Sakura--

Isn't it ironic how we used to be this happy, hyper (well, you and Naruto for those) team? (Yes, that one includes me...and partially Penisboy.) And now look, I was a missing nin, but now I've come back, but not alone.

(And about that girl...what was her name? Kira? Anyway, I'm not interested in her. She's actually a _he_. Yeah, some jutsu went wrong, so the she-male's now...well, I still can't tell the difference.)

Anyway.

There's something I really want to tell you. And your best friends Hinata and Naruto (though I'm not really sure why the latter is one) are standing behind me, one holding a kunai against my throat and the other ready to Rasengan my ass.

Psh. As if he could anyway.

So, uhm. To the point. I bet you're really wondering if the person really writing this letter _is _Uchiha Sasuke.

Well, it is. So deal with it. Hn.

You have _no _idea (and I mean NO idea) how many times it took me to re-write this fucking letter.

(Thirteen, for your information.)

The first one went along the lines of, "Hn. Sakura. I have something to tell you."

Naruto said it was emotionally constipated like I am (which I am _not_!), so he made me re-do it.

The second letter I wrote was like Rock Lee.

(Not that I have anything against him. Anymore.)

It basically said, "Oh, my youthful cherry blossom! How I long to capture your lips in a youthful way! Let us frolick through the flowers and dance the dance of _love_!"

Naruto's laughing right now. If you see blood stains on the paper, don't mind them. It's the dobe's.

But then. The most horrifying moment of my life came. Yes, even _more _horrifying than the Uchiha massacre, when Ino groped me, when Kira (oh, wait...Suigetsu said her name was Karin. Ewwh.) tried to dry hump me (and honestly, I can't say which thing was worse), and _even more _than when **Orochimaru, **_Ino, _and Karin tried to rape me all together.

I caught myself writing Lee's name on top of the letter.

Yes, that doesn't seem as bad as the other things, but really, if you knew what I thought about Lee, you'd rather have all three guys rape you, too.

(But Hinata wouldn't let them. Naruto won't, either. And especially me.)

Continuing.

I also re-wrote it, but I was like Neji. It went something like, "My long, flowing hair, and Herbal Essence shampoos and conditioner, and stuff. Hn."

So, basically. All the letters were shit. And Hinata (can you believe it? _Hyuuga_.) is getting mad, because it's taking me forever to write this fucking thing. But I'm pretty sure she'll be happy with the results.

I mean, she better be. Her kunai is right against my throat. And if she were _ever _to slit my pretty-boy head, I'd have to bring her up to hell with me.

But since she's your best friend, I won't. Hn.

Now I'm pretty sure _you're _pissed too, because I still haven't told you what I've been trying to say. And don't punch me into next week. Because then I can't tell you what I want you to know. You're even thinking about skipping this nonsense to get to the good stuff.

Well, don't. Or else. Yeah.

Sakura, I know you so well because I've been watching you. (Don't get upset; I swear I'm not stalking you.) I know you from your favorite colour (uhm, obviously pink.), to your tampon brand (Tampax Pearl), to the kind of panties you wear (100 percent Egyptian cotton).

Uhm, don't ask how I know that. Let's say it involves a _very _angry Hinata, an excited Naruto, and an even _more _excited Jiraiya.

Basically, I know you just as well as I know myself. And really, I'm incredibly complicated. Remember all the times you said, "WHAT DOES 'HN' MEAN?!" Yeah. And you can never tell my emotions. Don't say emo and moody, because I may be them, but there are two things I am not, Sakura, and that is emo and moody.

For the past couple years, whenever you came into sight, I felt a little queasy in my stomach. And I felt like, "What the fuck?" So I went to Hinata about it. She wouldn't laugh. And didn't.

(To tell you the truth, I thought her name was Heewantah for six years. And that she was blind. Not that I had anything against her. Kinda. Well. I kind of did.)

What really got me angered was when you were injured during a mission, Lee came up to you and hugged you tightly against his spandex-suit, and you leaned against him, smiling, and _kissed his cheek for trying to help you_.

It took literally the Dobe, Hinata, and Penisboy to keep me running to castrating Lee with my uber-awesome kick-ass Chidori. Then, I remembered I'm not your father, so I had no right to do such things, or else I'd be in probation even longer.

Now, Sakura. It's rude to snort.

After that, I had an epiphany. Remember the time where that guy was hitting on you in the Water Country, and Naruto was acting all protective and shit? Hn. At that moment, I wanted to assault all of your guy-friends, gay or not.

During the summer, when you were mission free and spent a lot of time having coffee with the guy nurse-in-training (guy nurses? More like _gay _nurses. And don't ask how I know this, I had to do a lot of shit.)? After he left for vacation, Naruto told me you wrote him. I can imagine you writing letters like, "Oh, my dear -insert name here-, how glad I am to get over that stupid, talentless, gay Sasuke! Now I can do the tongue tango with you, _every day of the week._"

So, uhm. It's kindamaybesorta my fault that Naruto walked in your bedroom at midnight, demanding you show him your letters.

And it's also our faults that he never wrote back to you. And it may or may not have something to do with the "Dear gay nurse, if you EVER do anything to hurt Sakura, and I mean ANYTHING, if you don't GIVE HER THE LAST PIECE OF CAKE, you will WISH YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN BORN and you will NEVER LIVE TO HAVE CHILDREN, and if we DO let you live by some miracle, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO HAVE THEM ANYWAY, because we'll make SURE THAT YOUR SMALL DICK IS SLOWLY TORN OFF PIECE BY PIECE. UNDERSTOOD?! Signed, Anonymous and da ram3n h0kag3.

For the rest of the summer, I felt a _little _apologetic (hn. That's the only time I'll ever feel that way.) for what I may or may not have said to him, so I forced myself to look in the mirror and say, "I am Naruto." And for almost two weeks, I did that. Soon, it became so ingrained in my head that when Kakashi came to check on me and said, "Yo, Sasuke!" I replied monotonously, "I am Naruto."

I think he was afraid for my sanity, so I quickly said, "Hn." I'm so fucking pro.

At the end of this letter, I'll tell you what I've finally wanted to say.

Sakura, I, er...like you. A lot. And I mean, a lot-lot. As much as I cared for Itachi. Hn. But it's, er, more than a sibling relationship, if you know what I mean. The kind of spark that Hinata shows to Naruto. Except she faints and loses her cool.

(Uchihas never lose their cool. _Ever_.)

Er, I can't really say it in plain Japanese, and I _obviously _can't say it to your face (not because I'm afraid), so let me give you an example.

You know when Ino and Karin are shopping at the Slut Store (you know, the one that just opened up especially for them?) and they take some random French lingerie and say, "Oh, that bra would look so great against your flat chest that matches the flatness of an airport runway! It _definitely _has MORE than enough room for you to stuff more toilet paper in there so that you can try to impress Sasuke-kun with your fake boobs!"

It's kinda like that. Kinda.

Uhm, besides the fact you're nowhere near a slut. Or whore. Sometimes a bitch when you PMS, but otherwise, nope.

Ugh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "OMFG SASUKE. SAY IT. OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS. (Which you couldn't, even if you tried.)" But I can't write something like that down. It's too big. And like I said, I'm _not _afraid. I'm just simply...uhm. What's the word. Romantic.

Oh. Yeah. Don't mind that big blood stain next to the word "Romantic." The dobe was being gay, again.

Is it casual? Like, "Hey, Sakura, I like you a lot, maybe even more," or calm, like "Hn. I like you a lot.," or does he plan it for weeks? Does it randomly slip out? What do we do?!

(And we think _girls _are complicated.)

Hn. The point is, I like you. A lot. Well, more than that. I think I might even_ l__ove_ you.

You see that scribble above? I just accidentally mispelled a line. Don't mind the last sentence where it started "I think--"

And about the chicken scratch on the right of the scribble that says "I'm gay," that was Naruto. I swear, I'm not a homo. Or else I wouldn't even be writing this. And I'm not bi, either.

Okay, so your two buddies here are getting really, really impatient and frustrated and I think I've wasted enough time writing this shitty crap. So I'm just gonna roll this up, knock on your door, wait for you to open it, force it in your hands, "Hn," then walk away casually and sexily so that you can fantasize about my sexy ass that you'll touch after you read the letter.

And, uhm, Sakura? I'd be really great if you didn't barge into my house and demand I tell you what he whole thing means.

But if you want me to fuck you senseless, I'd be a lot more obliging. Eh? How about it?

Okay, making out would be great, too, but let's just see where it leads to.

--THE FUCK. Naruto just tried to Rasengan me, and Hinata just pressed the kunai closer against my neck. Oh, that's my blood right there. Yeah, right next to the word "fuck." She says it's vulgar.

By the way, Naruto says if I ever try to touch you, he's gonna kill me. He says, _absolutely no contact, _just looking at each other, saying "hn" or whatever once in a while, or any other shit.

That's shit. Don't listen to them.

--Uchiha Sasuke


	2. Dear Sasuke, You Bastard

dedicated to: **my uber-awesome smexilicious bestie RAINE. (aka, xxEUPHORIC r e v e r i e) ILYSFM. YOU'RE MY BESTIE FOREVER. Mkays?  
**prompt: **an HP fic...I forget the name though DDx**  
note to rhyrhy: **TEACH ME HOW TO WRITE, GOD DAMNIT. xDD ilys. x3  
**rating: **T+  
**story: **two-shot**

summary: In which Sasuke tries to confess his feelings towards Sakura through a letter.//2nd chapter: In which Sakura replies to Sasuke's poorly written letter.

warning: **ooc sasuke.**

* * *

Dear Sasuke, you ARROGANT, POMPOUS, EGOTISTICAL ASS ALIVE--(haha, isn't it weird that egotistical sounds like testicle (which I might slowly cut piece by piece if you really, really piss me off)?)

No, I don't really find us being a team and then you being a missing nin ironic. You had that crazy spirit in you, anyway.

A freakishly sexy spirit.

Hehe.

And GRRRR. I HATE KARIN SO MUCH. IHATEHERIHATEHERIHATEHER. She's such a bitch to me! I REALLY, REALLY WANNA KILL HER. I wanna dry hump you! Dx

REALLY, REALLY BAD.

Uhm, sorry...the last sentence is just a mistake. Ink spilled. So don't mind the blots.

ANDANDAND. I wanna kill Ino too. And about that thing that we were friends a long time ago, that's just bullshit. It never happened.

Yes, Uchiha, I know who the person writing this damn letter is. Ugh. Do you _really _think I'm that stupid, Sasuke?

(If you say yes, I will personally ruin that pretty little face of yours. But since your face is ohsosexy, I'll give you five seconds to run. Then I SPRING. I SPRING INTO ACTION. Wootwoot.)

By the way, if you **ever **sent me that letter that said, "Hn. Sakura. I have something to tell you," I'd kick your ass. That's soooooo dumb (like you, sometimes. Hehe.)

And about the Lee one, I'd have to kill you. And you'd be on the elevator, with the man operating it saying, "All aboard the trip to the fiery depths of Hades!" Uhm, yeah.

Even though I love, er, I mean, like you, I'd still have to murder you.

(Don't mind those scribbles up there. I, er...well, I, uhm. Yeah. I just misspelled something. Hehe.)

And, uhm, ewwh, Sasuke. Blood stains are gross. Especially if they're Naruto's. That's really disturbing. Did Hinata, like, sniff the paper with joy and tears in her eyes? She even has Naruto's crap in a bag she got from when he had diarrhea by drinking the spoiled milk and didn't get to the toilet fast enough.

I know. Disgusting, right?

(Hinata, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I cannot tell a lie, or else my freakishly-big-forehead will grow bigger with each lie I make! It's like I'm Pinocchio, except my nose is fine. Haha. Uhm, I've lied a couple times already, so it's kinda swelling, either from the lies or from bumping my head trying to get something.)

Well, I guess we're pretty even with the letter thing. To tell you the truth, I have, like, six boxes full of letters I wrote you, but never sent them out because some of them went along the lines of...well, uhm, you don't wanna know. Mushy-gushy shit.

They're kinda like my diary. Now don't laugh, because I've seen you hiding in the training ground's trees writing in your emo black journal. I didn't get to figure out what you were writing about, but at least I know _that_. And if you do anything, and I mean _anything _to make me angry or sad, I'm going to tell the _whole village _that **the Uchiha Sasuke **has an emo-black journal.

(By the way. About you saying you are/are not emo and moody, I'm kinda going with the first one. Ackk.)

So. Anyway.

I'm kinda wondering how you know what brand of shampoo/conditioner Neji uses. Do you, like, stalk him or something? That's not cool, Sasuke. I mean, you both are really hawt and are emo and moody, but really...I'm speechless. Words currently fail me.

While talking about the Hyuuga family, WHY IS HINATA DOING THAT. WHY IS HER FUCKING KUNAI AGAINST YOUR NECK? IS SHE HIGH ON CRACK? (Neji got crack from Caucasions vacationing here...he's been addicted ever since. GOD DAMNIT, if he ever gave MY POOR, PRECIOUS HINATA-CHAN CRACK, I SWEAR, I'LL CUT HIS HAIR OFF.)

I'm sorry (not) to say that your blood spilled on the word "fuck." It's your problem. Not mine. See, I can say it freely because I don't have two of your friends (...oh wait. You don't _have _any friends. Ha. Nah, just kidding!) behind me holding scary objects that can kill me.

Also, Sasuke. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING ME?! That's really, really creepy. You say you're not stalking me, but really, there's something in the back of my head that says you _do_.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, pink is sexy. Unlike BLUE AND BLACK. Like, really, really sexy. As sexy as you--

Sorry. Ink blots again on the last sentence.

ANDANDAND. WHY DO YOU KNOW MY TAMPON BRAND. Not cool, Sasuke. Like, it's really not cool. You're a pervert, you know that? Closet perv. Ewwhs. But yes, you're right. I love Tampax Pearl. Hehe. It makes me feel good inside...no pun intended.

...BUT MY PANTIES? WHAT THE FUCK. Uchiha Sasuke, I will _kill _you. Like, a really, _really _painful death.

ACKKK.

But really, pink panties are sexy. At least you didn't see my stash of black g-strings with the little Uchiha symbol...I MEAN. NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL.

(I was saving it for...you know. Uhm. Yeah. You like black, right? Yeah, I think so.)

Tell Hinata I'm glad for her being mad, but go Chidori Naruto and Jiraiya. Like, chidori the lives out of them.

Well, I've been watching _you _too. (I was a fangirl for a couple years, but not anymore. Hah.) Your favourite colour(s) are obviously blue and black, your best friends (again, you have none. Nah, just kidding. Naruto (and hopefully ME!). Even though you wouldn't admit it, like, _ever_.), and the kind of condoms you have in your dresser, though I don't know why they're for. (Mint condoms. Mm. Tasty. I mean--!)

And also, Sasuke. I doubt you know me as well as I know myself. Hahaha. But really, "HN" means nothing to everyone except Neji.

So look at what your conversation between you and Hinata's cousin goes like:

You: Hn. _I hate you_.  
Neji: Hn. _Back 'atcha.  
_You: Hn. _Go fuck yourself.  
_Neji: Hn. _I tried. But I masturbate!  
_You: Hn. _That's disgusting._

Yeah. That's, uhm. Yeah. Hehe. And what the fuck is with, "And you can never tell my emotions. Don't say emo and moody, because I may be them, but there are two things I am not, Sakura, and that is emo and moody."? Really, that's just brilliant, Sasuke. _Brilliant_.

I hope you get that through your thick skull that it was SARCASM. Mkays?

ALSO. I'm glad you went to Hinata for advice. She always helps me! Thank you, because you didn't go to Naruto.

How did you _not _know that her name was HINATA for six years?! Heewantah? That sounds like an Indian name from Dances With Wolves. Well, not really.

And please don't worry, Sasuke. I don't like Lee. He scares me. Really, really bad. I had to go see therapy, for like, forever.

So here's a scenario that happened a while back. Uhm, I think about a month ago.

_It was three in the morning, and I went home to rest after my late-night shift at the hospital. Having only two hours of sleep, I heard someone break my window. Thinking it was a burglar, I quickly got up, grabbing a kunai, but I heard Lee's voice saying, "OH, MY DEAR CHERRY BLOSSOM! I SHALL RUN ONE HUNDRED LAPS AROUND KONOHA FOR YOU! I will do ANYTHING for you!"_

_I rubbed my eyes and I hoped I was dreaming. I didn't know what was preventing me from strangling him senseless._

_Then, he did the unimaginable. Like, it's even scarier than when you wrote Lee's name on the letter._

_He stripped himself of his spandex, so he was naked except for his pantie-like underwear, (which was really gross.). THEN, sadly, something even _worse _happened._

_Lee pushed his chest-manfat together (he looks flat, but really, he wears lots of bandages together to keep the fat from popping out. It's not like Chouji's, but still, it's there.) and sang, "MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE GIRLS TO THE YARD, AND THEY'RE LIKE, IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS, DAMN RIGHT, IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS, I CAN TEACH YOU BUT I'D HAVE TO CHARGE!"_

_And I was like. WTF. And isn't it "BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD!"? Then, while I was about to close my window, he said, "SAKURA-CHAN! OH, YOUTHFUL BLOSSOM, I WOULD NEVER MAKE YOU CHARGE TO TASTE MY MILKSHAKE!"_

_At that moment I was ready to slit my throat with the kunai I had in my hand._

Uhm. Yeah. Don't kill him, Sasuke, because I want to do it.

And, OHH. That guy from the Water Country. I don't know him. Chillax. But _Nozumo_. He is _not _gay, thankyouverymuch! He happens to be my friend!

But really, Sasuke. The tongue tango? Really? Embarrassing as this may seem, I am _twenty-one, _but I have _never _kissed a guy.

(Laugh (oh wait, you can't, you emo boy) or smirk, and I'll personally take your katana and drive it through your sexy, well-built, amazing, _orgasmic_ body.)

Well, uhm, after that, I'd feel pity and then heal you. Then I'd punch you.

...OMG. SO IT WAS YOUR FAULT THAT NARUTO BARGED INTO MY HOUSE. SHIT, SASUKE. YOU'RE A BASTARD. So Naruto threatened to BURN my house if I didn't give him the freakin' letters.

He was kicked out by my dad, who threatened to come into his house and take all his ramen away.

(Oh, and he also said if Naruto ever did that again, he'd see what his intestines look like on the outside.)

And also, Sasuke. You and Naruto are "great" at writing threatening messages. It may work on Nozumo, but it _won't _work on me. Ever.

Hm. Anonymous? da ram3n h0kag3? Huh. I wonder who _those _are.

Saracasm again, retard.

So, about the thing in the mirror. I bet it took you half your dignity to say, "I am Naruto." Really? It'd be worse to say, "I am Lee," or something like that. Ackkk.

Sucks for you. Haha. No pity comes from this girl.

Nah, just jokin'. You deserve it, Sasuke-kun. Not all the time, but most of the time. Hehe.

To the exciting part.

OHEMGEE. Sasuke-kun! YOU LIKE ME. YOU LIKE ME, OMG, I WAS RIGHT. YOU LIKE ME! KYAAA. I'm so happy!

...But. You ruined the moment.

YOU COMPARE TO ME TO TWO HOES? WHAT THE FUCK. Wait, how do you know they're both flat? Oh wait. They stripped for you. Ewwh. You poor little child.

Well, you're not really a child anymore. But whatever. It's my letter.

AND ALSO, I AM NOT A BITCH. IF YOU KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE FOR GIRLS TO PMS, YOU'D BE A BITCH TOO. Well, you're an ICE BITCH. GOT IT?

ICEBITCHALERT. ICEBITCHALERT. BEEPBEEPBEEP. Watch out or you'll get frozen by his bitchiness! DDDx

And don't ask _me _if a confession is supposed to be simple, calm, or whatever shit. I don't know! Oh wait, Lee's done that, and so has Naruto, but they're just weird like that. Even though Naruto's adorable, uhm. Yeah.

BUT I LIKE YOU TOO, SASUKE-KUN! I REALLY, REALLY DO! Well, uhm. I actually, er...love you. You know that. Already. Cuz, uhm. It's been really obvious. And I've told you. A lot.

By the way, I liked how you wrote, "So I'm just gonna roll this up, knock on your door, wait for you to open it, force it in your hands, "Hn," then walk away casually and sexily so that you can fantasize about my sexy ass that you'll touch after you read the letter."

Apparently, what you did was ask Hinata to deliver it, which she did, and then said, "Uhm. U-U-U-Uchiha-san a-a-asked m-me to g-give t-t-this t-to y-y-y-you." So when Hinata walked away, I didn't fantasize about her ass, because I AM NOT A LESBIAN.

(I'd kinda like it if you gave it to me so I could stare at yours. Teehee.)

Oh, and don't worry Sasu-cakes. I won't barge into your house and ask you what this letter means. I might barge in to kill you, or severely hurt you, but since I love you, I'll heal you, cuddle you, and make you tomato-soup.

About those two options you gave me. Making out and...uhm...yeah. I'll think about it.

I'll treasure this letter forever. Not for what you said, but BECAUSE YOUR BLOOD IS ON IT! OHMYGOSH. Your blood smells good. Like, ultra-super-amazingly good.

But wait; about Naruto saying that you can't touch me. What if I wanna touch you? Like, not just brush arms, like, uhm, touch your absolutely gorgeous chest given to you BY THE GODS, and maybe somewhere down there where I said I might rip piece by piece if you piss me off.

OH, MY BAD. If I do that, I won't be able to bear your babies every again!

Hint hint.

Lots of love,

--**Uchiha **Sakura

(P.S. I mean, we _all _know you'll propose to me after you read this.)


	3. Hn, Sakura

dedicated to: **my uber-awesome smexilicious bestie RAINE. (aka, xxEUPHORIC r e v e r i e) ILYSFM. YOU'RE MY BESTIE FOREVER. Mkays?  
**prompt: **an HP fic...I forget the name though DDx**  
note to rhyrhy: **TEACH ME HOW TO WRITE, GOD DAMNIT. xDD ilys. x3  
**rating: **T+  
**story: **three-shot (yes, I changed it. xD)**

summary: In which Sasuke tries to confess his feelings towards Sakura through a letter.//2nd chapter: In which Sakura replies to Sasuke's poorly written letter.//3rd (last) chapter: SHORT ENDING LETTER.

warning: **ooc sasuke.**

* * *

Sakura--

Last night was fan-_fucking_-tastic. Probably the best _yet_. And I always thought you were faking your climax.

So I guess we both lost our virginity. Well, we lost it both together about, like, a month ago.

Anyway. By now, I hope you found that ring I put in your bra with the ruby, diamond, and black onyx ring that's in the shape of the Uchiha symbol.

By the way. That black g-string was sexy. How'd you get the symbol on there, anyway?

And I think we'll stay with mint condoms. At least until the wedding officially ends. Okay? Using condoms makes it feel like you're taking a shower...with a raincoat.

See you tonight, annoying. Hn.

**Love,**

--Uchiha Sasuke

(Your absolutely sexy, amazing, _orgasmic _soon-to-be-husband.)

* * *

**I hope you guys enjoyed this story! Pure crack. And I don't mean to offend anyone. I LOVE HINATA, NARUTO, LEE, AND NEJI and didn't mean to offend them, but yes, I meant to bash Ino and Karin.**

**Anyway. THANKS FOR READING. Review. Plawks.**


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